May 10, 2010
Children. They're like little fender benders that don't go away and poop
a lot. Luckily for me I'm a safe driver and wear about thirty seat
belts... if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone "drives"
safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and
Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident.
Now I understand I can't stop the world from procreating. It's not like
Uncle Barney is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it.
If you have friends that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their
lives and those of everyone in their immediate vicinity I encourage you
to generate a list of guidelines for them to follow. Here's a sampling
of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I presented to Marshall
1. You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me
heroically catching it.
4. No breastfeeding in front of me.
5. Forget about 4, it's cool.
10. It's middle name must be Barney.
14. Lily has to lose the baby weight by bikini season.
17. If I'm hungry you have to feed me first.
25. Never ask me to babysit.
25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age.
32. As tempting as it might be, you're forbidden from using a 19th
century president's last name as the baby's first name.
34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me.
38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time.
39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a
picture of me having sex.
42. When it's of age, I get to have the "sex talk" with it.
45. The baby must wear a suit once a week.
46. The baby must call me dad.
50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want.
50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil' version of
what I'm dressed as.
55. It's first word must be, "Barney."
59. It has to like me more than Ted.
62. Me, Ted, and Marshall get to re-enact the movie, "Three Men and a
Baby" for a weekend.
65. You must introduce me to hot single moms.
66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher
69. Sixty nine. Always funny.
72. I get to bring it to look at colleges.
76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000.
83. ... and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club
should come to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it
is your fault for having the baby in the first place.