Kiddie Rules

This barney is really awesome :D

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Kiddie Rules
May 10, 2010
Children. They're like little fender benders that don't go away and poop
a lot. Luckily for me I'm a safe driver and wear about thirty seat
belts... if you catch my drift. Unfortunately not everyone "drives"
safely. In fact, I recently discovered that some people (Marshall and
Lily) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes of having an accident.

Now I understand I can't stop the world from procreating. It's not like
Uncle Barney is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it.
If you have friends that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their
lives and those of everyone in their immediate vicinity I encourage you
to generate a list of guidelines for them to follow. Here's a sampling
of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I presented to Marshall
and Lily:

1. You promise to always love me more than the baby.

2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.

3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me
heroically catching it.

4. No breastfeeding in front of me.

5. Forget about 4, it's cool.

10. It's middle name must be Barney.

14. Lily has to lose the baby weight by bikini season.

17. If I'm hungry you have to feed me first.

25. Never ask me to babysit.

25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age.

32. As tempting as it might be, you're forbidden from using a 19th
century president's last name as the baby's first name.

34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me.

38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time.

39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a
picture of me having sex.

42. When it's of age, I get to have the "sex talk" with it.

45. The baby must wear a suit once a week.

46. The baby must call me dad.

50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want.

50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil' version of
what I'm dressed as.

55. It's first word must be, "Barney."

59. It has to like me more than Ted.

62. Me, Ted, and Marshall get to re-enact the movie, "Three Men and a
Baby" for a weekend.

65. You must introduce me to hot single moms.

66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher

69. Sixty nine. Always funny.

72. I get to bring it to look at colleges.

76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000.

83. ... and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club
should come to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it
is your fault for having the baby in the first place.

ReadmoreKiddie Rules

Barney Stinson - The only reason to wait a month for sex

Chastising Ted for waiting to have sex with a woman: “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”

How I Met Your Mother – Season 1

ReadmoreBarney Stinson - The only reason to wait a month for sex

Barney Stinson

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Barney Stinson is a fictional character created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for the CBS television series How I Met Your Mother, portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris.
Role on How I Met Your Mother

Barney Stinson is one of five main characters on the CBS television series How I Met Your Mother. As opposed to his claimed best friend, Ted Mosby (who almost every time Barney says so corrects him that Marshall is actually Ted's best friend, though there are numerous instances in which Barney proves himself also a very good friend), who wants to settle down, Stinson offers many strategies designed to help Ted meet women.[1] Through several seasons of the show, four of the main characters were couples, as Ted began dating Robin Scherbatsky and Ted's roommate Marshall Eriksen became engaged (and later married) to Lily Aldrin. This left Stinson the only single character, and, according to Neil Patrick Harris, who portrays the character, Stinson was "resentful" that the other characters had paired up.[2]

Harris was invited to audition for the character by Megan Branman, the casting director for the show. He assumed that he was invited solely because the two were friends and did not believe he had a chance of winning the role. Harris later said that "Since I (considered) myself the long shot, I didn't care that much, and I think that allowed a freedom."[1] His audition centered on a scene of laser tag, and Harris executed a dive roll, accidentally knocking over a chair and slamming into a wall. CBS executives enjoyed his performance, and Harris was quickly offered the part.[1][3]
[edit] Character

Harris describes Barney as a man who "likes to create crazy situations and then sit back and watch it all go down."[4] In the show, Barney is a confident womanizer in his early thirties who almost always wears a suit, likes girls with Daddy issues and is always willing to offer his (sometimes hypocritical) opinion.[1] He tends to be opportunistic and manipulative, and will attempt to manipulate a situation so that it goes his way; in the episode "Shelter Island", for example, Barney successfully attempts to get Robin (in whom he was exhibiting romantic interest) to come to Ted's and Stella's wedding, even though it was not in the couple's best interests to do so. He is also highly competitive, and will take on "challenges" to complete (sometimes) outlandish tasks in order to prove his worth. He is proud/stubborn and attempts to stand by his word no matter what; in "I Heart NJ", for example, he refuses to put down his fist unless someone offers him a fistbump. By the end of the episode, he has said fist elevated and in a sling after struggling to keep his fist up throughout the episode.

Although The Early Show described him as "utterly devoid of morality", Barney lives by the "Bro Code", his own code of rules, which includes a lemon law for blind dates.[2] Despite his overall questionable character, according to creator Craig Thomas, Barney is "a pretty fragile character who's really afraid of being alone. He just wants people to like him, to be important to people, and to have disciples who follow his word."[5]

Also, Barney, just like Neil Patrick Harris, who portrays him, is an illusionist. His favorite type of magic tricks include fire, which his friends seem to hate (as seen in the tenth episode of the second season, Single Stamina and in the fourth episode of the fourth season, Intervention). Barney uses them mostly to pick up women. His most common method of picking up women, is by telling them elaborate (and completely false) stories about himself; he sometimes goes under an alias.

Barney is also seen to have a gambling problem that he occasionally gets under control, only to relapse as seen in several episodes such as Atlantic City (where he has Chinese Triads gambling friends) and Monday Night Football. Furthermore, he displays metrosexual qualities, enjoys manicures, and has an extensive knowledge of designer labels and gourmet food.

As far as talent goes, Barney has exhibited eloquence, wit and creativity numerous times throughout the series. He is very well-connected, the most affluent of the group and speaks at least one language other than English, using what is said to be Ukrainian (but is Russian in fact) with his tailor, Mandarin and Korean at least twice in business deals with shady North Koreans. He apparently also has above-average video-editing skills; he created and edited his entire video resume all by himself. Also, he seems to be a talented website designer, as shown in "The Playbook". As shown on more than one occasion, he is proficient at playing the piano, as are Ted and Marshall. He seems to have a thorough understanding of human behavior and uses this mainly to manipulate situations to his advantage (mostly to pick up women). Several episodes also showcase many of Barney's crazier abilities, such as his physical ability to complete the New York City marathon without a single day of training (though his legs went numb while he took a train moments later), being able to punch through walls, stay under water for up to 12 minutes and being knowledgeable enough to guess the exact price of prizes on The Price Is Right.

As revealed in Zoo or False, Barney was born 7 years after first manned landing on the Moon, thus making 1976 his year of birth. His phone number is seen in season five, episode 15.
[edit] Childhood and family

Barney was born in 1976 and was raised in Staten Island.[6] Barney's family life was defined in flashbacks in the episode "Showdown", which established that Barney's mother (younger version voiced by Megan Mullally, played by Frances Conroy) was a promiscuous woman who claimed that his father was Bob Barker, longtime host of The Price Is Right.[1] Barney also has a brother, James (played by Wayne Brady), who, unlike Barney, is African American and gay. He apparently also has a younger (though unnamed and unseen) sister. In the episode "The Leap", Lily revealed that Barney also planned on being a violinist when he was young. In "Robin 101", it was hinted that Barney was diagnosed with ADD as a child, probably explaining his zoning out when people are talking to him.
[edit] Adult life prior to 2005 ("Pilot")

"Game Night" reveals that Barney had been an innocent idealistic young man who wanted to join the Peace Corps with his one and only serious girlfriend Shannon. When she left him for a suit-wearing womanizer, James arranged for Barney to lose his virginity to their mother's friend Rhonda French ('the man maker') at 23. Following his perceived success with satisfying Rhonda, he morphed into a similar suit-wearing womanizer, even going so far as to adopt some of the man's catchphrases. Barney is also revealed to have had a terrible gambling problem. However, he assures the group that it is not a problem because he is so good at it. This is not always the case, though, as he apparently lost every one of his many bets on the Super Bowl. He will go to any lengths to win a bet, even if it takes one year for just $10[7].
[edit] In the series (2005-present)

While Barney's softer, generous side is not often apparent,[5] it is not always relegated to flashbacks. When Marshall and Lily broke their engagement in season one, Barney lured women away from Marshall so that he could remain faithful to the woman he truly loved.[4] It is revealed that it was Barney who convinced Lily to come back to New York, even buying her a plane ticket home. Barney's story arc in season four has him secretly in love with Robin. In the finale of season four he and Robin come to an understanding that they both have feelings for one another, but being afraid of having a relationship they agree to "sort this out later".

Barney's occupation has not been fully specified, though the company he works for (Altracell)[8] was said to be the world's largest producer of the yellow fuzzy stuff on tennis balls (but future Ted implies that the company's main profits come from other sources, at which point short clips of oil rig, logging range, automatic small arms factory, tobacco manufacturing line, and missile launchers are shown).[2] In the season 3 episode "The Bracket," it was mentioned that he is good enough at lying to avoid perjury for what he does at work. As of Season 4, his company was involved in a hostile takeover with Goliath National Bank (GNB), he remains to be a powerful executive with the new company and continues to use the same office he has had since it was first shown in Season 1. Despite this, he has suggested there is the possibility he will one day wash up on shore with no teeth or fingerprints and supposedly has come under attack by ninjas in the past during work. In Season 4, during the episode "Happily Ever After", Barney states to a woman that he is an "Attorney In Law", though this was probably just part of a pick-up line as he immediately followed it with "Let's talk about getting you off". His video resume was published in Season 4 episode "The Possimpible".[9]

In the Season 4 episode "Woooo!", the leader of the Swedish Architecture firm SVEN reveals Barney to be the head of the search committee. It is likely that the "search committee" was simply a project team to manage to the project of designing a new GNB building, and that "head of the search committee" is not his primary occupation. Whatever his profession, Barney is apparently quite wealthy and is arguably the richest out of the five. He lives in an upscale apartment and is rich enough to own two television sets that are each the size of a wall, as well as expensive memorabilia such as the Clone trooper and Imperial Stormtrooper costumes from the Star Wars films.[10] He frequently buys expensive items, such as a last-minute plane ticket to San Francisco or thousands of dollars in postage stamps, on the spur of the moment. Barney is also shown to be a fan of rock group AC/DC.

A fourth season episode has Barney celebrating sleeping with his 200th woman, a fact even his friends find disgusting. Barney finally explains his conquests by relating that back in seventh grade, a classmate named Matthew Panning claimed to have slept with 100 girls and Barney bet that he would double that number one day. He calls Panning and presents the list, to which an incredulous Panning says he was lying at the time and Barney has based his whole adult life "around something I lied about when I was 12." Barney displays disbelief in Panning's revelation and after Panning leaves, he asks himself what his driving motivation should now be. He then sees Robin waving at him from the bar, and then smiles to himself.

'The Leap', which is the season four finale of How I Met Your Mother, has Barney finally confront Robin about his feelings. Robin attempts to 'Mosby' Barney, only to have Lily tell Barney that Robin had deliberately done that to drive him away. Barney and Robin confront each other in a hospital room where Barney finally tells Robin he loves her.

The two continued to date awkwardly, not wanting to give specific names to their relationship.[11] Eventually though, the two embraced their dating life - even considering themselves the best couple (between them and Marshall and Lily). The relationship began to bring out the worst in each other. Barney took on poor eating habits and Robin stopped taking care of herself because of her frustration with Barney. The two eventually decided to break up and resume their friendship.

Episode Twin Beds, sees Barney reconsidering his relationship with Robin, because Don is now dating Robin and has asked her to move in with him. In spite of Ted, Barney decides he wants Robin back and manages to convince Ted that he does too. The episode ends with neither Barney or Ted managing to get anywhere with Robin who has decided to be with Don and to effectively cut them both out of her life. Barney is still resolved to "get" Robin and she returns in the following episode, Robots Versus Wrestlers.

The episode, Dopplegangers has Barney masquerading as a Cab driver to further his goal of sleeping with a lady from every country. He fails at this task and later becomes the object of Lilly's fixation with finding a Barney Doppleganger. While Barney masquerades as both a Cab driver and Estonian knife juggler, Barney's doppleganger is not seen in this episode.

In 2008, the book The Bro Code, ostensibly written by Barney, was published.

In 2010, Barney was featured in a Super Bowl commercial that showed him in the stands at the Super Bowl with a sign stating "Hey Ladies Call Barney Stinson 18779876401." A call to the number results in a recorded message inviting you to meet him at McLaren's Pub on Monday, October 12, 2016, even though that date falls on a Wednesday. The scene was worked into the show itself a day later.

Barney has met Ted's kids before, as shown in the episode Miracles, because Ted refers to Barney as Uncle Barney.
[edit] Relationship with Robin

Barney's relationship with Robin was his first major one (that we know of) after becoming a suited-up, well-groomed bachelor. His first ever real relationship though was with Shannon, as shown in the episode "game night".

Signs of some sort of connection between Barney and Robin, could be seen back in the season 1 episode, Zip, Zip, Zip, where Barney is teamed with Robin because he is unable to use Ted as his wingman. Robin is also alone during this episode and decided to act as Barney's wingman leaving to her attempting to set up Barney. It is perhaps the last part of this episode that lays the groundwork for any future relationship, as Barney decides to go 'bare pickle' in front of Robin as a precursor to sex, only to have Robin state that she has feelings for Ted. Throughout the first three seasons, there were instances such as the one in "Moving Day" where Barney discovers that Robin isn't wearing makeup and says, "Holy crap, you're beautiful!," or the one in Ten Sessions where Barney mentioned his proposition to Robin for sex and implied that he was still bothered by its failure, where it was hinted that Barney was attracted to Robin, though he never acted upon the attraction after Zip, Zip, Zip.

In the season 3 episode, Sandcastles in the Sand, Barney and Robin sleep together for the first time after watching her second 'Robin Sparkles" music video. However, both are unnerved and Robin eventually reveals what happened to Ted, who tells Barney he does not want to be bros anymore. In the season 3 finale, Barney is in a horrible bus accident rushing to the hospital to see Ted despite their feud, and the gang gets back together. Marshall mentions that during Ted's car accident, Ted had seen his life and the things he loved flash before his eyes. He asks Barney what he saw. As the group laughs at the possibilities, Barney realizes his feelings for Robin.

In the season 4 premiere, Do I Know You?, Barney admits to Lily that he has feelings for Robin, and continues to struggle with them throughout the season. Finally, in the season 4 finale, The Leap, Robin discovers Barney's feelings for her and eventually decides to "Mosby" him—scaring him off by saying "I love you" too soon. However, Barney discovers her intentions and confronts her, leading to a revealing discussion that ends with a kiss.

This relationship came to realization in season 5 in the episode Definitions and continued until The Rough Patch. This episode concluded with Robin and Barney decided to 'become friends again'. After their break up, Barney dives back into his bachelor life. However, in the episode Twin Beds (How I Met Your Mother), Barney decides despite his better instincts and Ted's advice to continue pursuing Robin. Their future as a couple is still unknown.
[edit] Catchphrases

In the show's pilot, Barney first utters his most recognizable phrase, "Suit up!", as he tells others to dress like him. The phrase "Suit Up!" came from an ad for a suit sale in a later episode about his past with Shannon. According to creator Thomas, this is a sign that Barney "thought of his suit as some kind of superhero outfit that separated him from the pack."[5] The phrase is repeated in many episodes, and is often modified to fit whatever clothing Barney is wearing, such as "Flight suit up!" when telling Ted to be his wingman in Halloween or "Snow suit up!" when inviting Ted to build an igloo in Central Park, mid winter or when Ted is waiting for a woman at a Halloween party " I even penguin suited up for you!" or "Slut up!" when Robin and Lily go to a prom. Also when he was getting naked in Robin's apartment and she asked what he was doing he replied "birthday suiting up!" The phrase has also led to an International Suit-Up Day[12] on Facebook. He used the phrase "law-suit up" in an episode in which Marshall passed the Bar exam.

Besides "Suit up!", he often describes schemes as "Legendary!". He also frequently intersperses the phrase "Wait for it" between syllables of a long word.[5] The season two finale closed with Barney saying "Legen - wait for it...", and he opened season three with "..Dary!".[5]

In the show Barney frequently approaches attractive women with Mosby in tow and asks "Haaaaaave you met Ted?" as a way to start a conversation with strangers. Thomas says that this phrase is based in real life, as a one-time friend of his often used a similar line to meet women.[5] He is also prone to using "Daddy's Home" as either a chat-up line or for grand entrances and "True Story" as an ending to stories or theories that are generally erroneous.

Barney also will tell elaborate, outrageous stories or assert his own "awesomeness", followed by "True story." Also, whenever asked what his job is he replies with a little laugh followed by "Please." His brother James reacted similarly when asked how the two were of different races. Barney often makes up statistics in order to make his arguments sound credible. When Marshall catches him and calls him out on these bogus facts, he begins his own catchphrase in having 'lawyered' (proven wrong) Barney.

Barney is frequently asking for high-fives in different variations, similar to Todd Quinlan in Scrubs. 'Relapse five', 'Phone five', 'Tiny five', 'Freeze-frame high-five', 'hypothetical five', 'wordplay five', 'arthritis five', 'self five', 'foot five', 'claw five', 'solemn low-five' and 'door five' are a few.

Barney also uses the phrase "What Up", often elongating the word "up" in a high pitched tone. Most of the time it is finished with him asking for a high five.

Barney often uses the phrase "Challenge accepted." in the earlier seasons when someone mentions something that supposedly can not be done. It is usually quickly followed by "the challenger" telling Barney they were not remotely challenging him, but Barney ignores this. Starting in season 4 Barney adapts the phrase to "challenge accepted". This can be seen in Aldrin Justice when Marshall mentions his mean constitutional law professor, Barney calls her a cougar and accepts the challenge to tame her. In Murtaugh when Ted mentions the 'Murtaugh List' can not be completed, Barney accepts the challenge to do everything on it. In As Fast As She Can Barney takes the challenge of talking his way out of a ticket by saying "Challenge accep...", leaving out the last syllable and replacing it by pointing at Ted. In The Window Barney challenges himself to get laid while wearing overalls.

Another phrase often used by Barney is "Get your head out of your ass Lily"! This phrase is often heard when Lily presents a point Barney interprets as overly idealistic or naive. A variation of this is seen in the song, "Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit" in "Girls Vs. Suits". In "Say Cheese" on the fifth season, Barney says he never takes a bad picture, always staying in the same pose (one of his hands on his tie and smiling). Robin tries to take him a bad picture by handing him a chip, dropping her phone and telling him he has a hole in his suit jacket, but inexplicably he has the same pose. Whether intentional or not, it is a recurring theme that in the season finale of a season (excluding the first) that Barney quietly asks Ted an important question. In the second season, Barney asks to be Ted's wingman again. In the third, he asks if he and Ted can be best friends again and in the fourth, he asks for Ted's blessing so Barney can pursue a relationship with Robin.
[edit] Reception

According to The Early Show, Barney is one of the main reasons that the show has been a success.[2] Maclean's says that Barney is the show's most popular character and explains that the most likeable characters are often those with the best catchphrases.[5] In 2006, TV Land named Barney's "Suit Up" one of the 100 Best Catchphrases. Barney's signature phrase is one of only four from contemporary television shows, as writers are now less likely to have a character repeat a phrase in many episodes.[5]

From 2007-2009, Harris was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series for his work playing Barney.[13] In 2008, Fireside published The Bro Code. Ostensibly written by Stinson, although actually penned by a writer for the show, the book reveals the code by which the character supposedly lives his life (though he has been shown disregarding and/or violating a large portion of the articles in the book).[14]
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